Not Good at Spending Time Alone A.K.A. Cleanliness

All net profits from this release will go to the ACLU, so feel free to pay more than $5.00 for the tape or the digital download ;) Scenes about ‘cleanliness’ 1. When they do my autopsy they will wonder why I spent so much time in the bathroom. 2. I’m trying to pop a zit in the mirror and it’s not working, but I keep trying and eventually it gives way and sticks to the mirror. There’s a moment of relief, and then I imagine the thing unfurls itself, extends its six hairy little legs and crawls away, disappearing into a crack between tiles in the wall, which results in a moment of even greater relief. I’ve exiled this thing, it has left my body. 3. A triathlon I would win: 1) wiping the sink completely free of hair trimmings after shaving, 2) explaining a board game thoroughly without missing any rules so that it isn’t unfair to those who have never played before, 3) speed eating bagels and lox while also speed walking a mile (but competitors, myself included, cannot know that they are racing — they are eating and walking at their natural, comfortable pace). 4. I rarely clip my fingernails even though they grow really fast, but on any morning that I do I also clip my toenails, pluck between my eyebrows, do my laundry, pay my gas bill, sweep, cook a really good breakfast, call a loved one I don’t talk to enough, and floss. I never do any of these things unless it is the morning when I clip my fingernails. 5. If I load up my phone with good TV then my thrice-a-day, hour-long commute flies by as if I’ve blacked out and then come to at my final train platform. Those are the only three hours each day I have to spend alone, and that is a type of efficiency. 6. Is it your eyebrows or your eyelashes that are filled with millions of little bugs that help keep you clean? Why don’t all parts of your body have these? Why don’t all parts of your life have these? 7. Some people accept that being transparent about your flaws and your biases is the best way to be because everyone has flaws and biases so to admit them is all you can do, but actually being transparent about these things is sometimes used as an excuse to not have to make an effort to improve upon them, which shouldn’t be seen as ‘honest’ and ‘real’ but instead as what it really is: an easy way out. 8. I often brush the back of my tongue, purposefully too close to my throat, until the gag reflex helps eject some phlegm into the sink. My eyes tear up, but I feel cleaner. 9. I’ve gone on and on about my weekend, telling each of the four stories I can remember from beginning to end, without leaving any minute details out because each minute detail is a step along the way of understanding the story as a whole. Now it’s your turn to tell me about whatever you want, and I’m focusing on the fact that it doesn’t matter if you understand my stories because they aren’t interesting and you don’t care and I barely even care. I’m feeling bad about that and also focusing on stepping in each sidewalk square the same number of times with the inside and outside of each foot, and snapping both fingers at an opportune moment when it all evens out, so I hardly even hear what you’re trying to tell me. 10. What are we doing after rehearsal? It is Saturday, early evening, don’t leave me alone. youtu.be/Kr82nb6OKBY youtu.be/nVjoGwp_9FU youtu.be/q52qonFy42k